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20th entry fox

The most significant moment of human enlightenment since the discovery of Penicillin back in 1928, was quite possibly the invention of the Tamagotchi in 1996.  To date, this battery-powered, beeping handheld key chain thingummy has apparently sold more units than there are people currently living in Thailand.  In fact, according to a seminal study by the respected WTO - the World Tamagotchi Organisation - if all of these digital pets were allowed to form its own sovereign nation, and permitted to trade on WTO terms, it would be the world's 20th most populous country, only slightly behind the land of the Playmobil.  And rather impressively, it would also have the highest Graphically Distorted Pet (GDP) per Capita figure of any nation in the history of nations.  Ever.  And that is despite the rise of Minecraft.

Yet, even though more than two decades have passed since the era that allowed Macarena to top the chart for 14 weeks, the precise binomial nomenclature (yes, this is actuall…

Ironed curtains

Deep in the perilous land Whitehall officials call the West Country, a hidden menace stalks the pothole-ridden streets.  Under the cover of darkness, these miscreants loiter outside local Co-op stores and Lad-is-broke betting dens, and brutally ambush any odorous victim that they encounter (where the only known repellent is a black-market fragrance known as David Beckham's Intimate).  At the faint hint of a pungent nappy or a discarded Fosters tinnie (an Aussie mineral water drink with a dash of yeast) these beasts opportunistically pounce on and tear apart the sole pride of every Englishman and Englishwoman: their glorious refuse sack.


Clearly, the once-in-a-generation referendum on the exit from the union of the weekly bin collection, Bindyref II,  has not decisively settled the bitter divide, and a foul stench continues to linger on in every town and village up and down Blighty.  Perhaps, however, we can seek comfort from history: that this existential threat to our beloved tr…